Understanding

We all have a need to be understood. This need is based on survival. If we are not understood we won't be able to communicate our needs. For example, if the baby needs food and can't communicate this, he could die of starvation. If a person needs help and no one understands this, he will not get the help he needs to survive.

Latter on during the day when I posted the first version of this page I chatted with someone who was feeling suicidal. I was feeling very smug about being so good at understanding. This person told me she didn't care if she lived or died anymore. I tried to show her that I understood by saying "Ok, so you don't care if you live or die, is that right?" She said that was right and repeated she didn't care if she lived or died. I said, "Ok. I understand." Next I asked her how much she felt understood. We had talked many times and usually she feels very understood by me, so today I also expected a high score as well. Instead this is what she wrote:

This reminded me never to make assumptions about understanding someone. It also reminded me that it takes more than technique to really help someone feel understood. And it reminded me that unless I have had the same experiences someone else has, and unless I have exactly the same level of innate emotional sensitivity, I could never really fully understand their pain.

But it also reminded me of the importance of feeling my own feelings. Until I started reflecting on my feelings and trying to identify them I had little or no empathy for anyone. I don't think I ever cried over someone else's pain until I was 35 years old, unless it was when I was too young to remember.

As I began to think about and really feel all of my various feelings, I started being able to relate to more and more people's pain, as well as their joy. I started thinking about when I felt proud, creative, resourceful, inspired, trusted, successful, fulfilled as well as when I felt judged, mocked, insulted, afraid, intimidated, controlled, trapped.

The more feelings I really experienced, the more I had in common with people who were, from outside appearances, very different from me. It is true that I have never loved the sight of my own blood seeping from my veins, but because I have felt rejected, alone, judged, misunderstood, unloved, unwanted and empty, as this person feels when she wants to die, I feel more empathy for her. In fact I started to cry during our conversation. I am sure this is partly from the pain of my own unmet emotional needs and partly from connecting with her pain. It might even be fair to say that my pain is what formed this connection between us. Either way, it was this kind of empathy which helped me stay there and listen to her for as long as she needed me to.

Even if two people can never fully understand each other, it is this kind of empathy that brings us one step closer together.

Many people agree that the best way to reduce conflicts, including international wars, is through mutual respect. Erich Fromm said, To respect a person is not possible without knowing him. He could have also said that respect is not possible without understanding the person. Understanding, therefore is a key to conflict prevention and conflict resolution.

I would take this a step further. I would suggest one actually ask the other person how much they feel understood from 0-10. Then listen till they feel understood 10. In fact, I believe one of the quickest ways to stop any argument is to stop and ask the other person how much they feel understood.

Understanding someone does not always prevent or solve conflicts, but it does help us reach a mutually acceptable compromise.

Sometimes when people are in a conflict, one person will interrupt the other and say: "You need to understand that.... "

I find that usually a person says this when they are feeling threatened and defensive. Often it is an authority figure whose authority is being questioned or it may be someone who has to enforce the company's or the organization's rules.

Here is an example. You're waiting on the phone for a very long time. When someone finally answers you let them know how frustrated you are and how much of an inconvenience having to wait has caused you. They interrupt you and say "Well, you need to understand that we have a lot of customers... "

When someone says this it doesn't help you feel any more understood. It probably only makes you feel more resentful because you don't feel listened to.

The other person wants you to understand them, but they have not taken the time to try to really understand you. If they did they would show you more empathy. Saying "you need to understand" doesn't show empathy. Instead I would say it is usually a form of invalidation.

Humans need understanding. We also need to understand why people do things. Therefore we need to teach all students and all future parents; all lawyers, all judges, all politicians and all police this message:

When I talk to depressed and suicidal adolescents one thing they all have in common is a huge unmet need for understanding. I will ask them how much they feel understood in general from 0-10. Usually this number is below 4. When I ask how much they feel understood by their own parents it is usually zero.

When I am talking to them, I make sure I ask them how much they feel understood by me and I am not satisfied until the number is 8, 9 or 10. By just listening non-judgmentally, as best I can, I usually can get the numbers to that level in a few conversations. It is really not that hard to help someone feel understood. It is a skill that can be learned.

I sincerely believe that if we were all better at understanding, listening and validation there would be far fewer teenage suicides. (See chat below.)

	Today this person calls herself I don't give a fck anymore, which I have abbreviated to IDGAFA*
Steve	what's up?
IDGAFA	the sky is up... but i am not. i am losing my mind and i've decided that i don't care. i really don't i dont care i dont give a fu*k
Steve	ok let me make sure i understand this u dont care anymore?
IDGAFA	nope
Steve	u dont give a fu*k? is that right?
IDGAFA	yup... i don't care. i don't care if i live or die right this minute. or whether i disapoint someone. or whether i piss someone off. i just wanna die. and i don't care about anything else other than how i'm going to die.
Steve	ok i understand see i am working on my new page on understanding so i am really trying to be understanding today do u want to see it?
IDGAFA	have you ever loved the sight of your blood seeping from your veins? i'm guessing not. so... explain to me how you could understand me today?
Steve	good point so how much do u feel understood by me, today?
IDGAFA	i've been talking to you for only like 5 minutes. i haven't given you a chance to understand. but if i must tell you NOW, probly not at all. because you're not addicted to drugs, you don't have a deep passion for death, and as far as i know you can remember a time you were happy. i hate my life i hate life altogether
Steve	ok tell me what u hate most right now
IDGAFA	everything and don't tell me that's not a real answer... cuz it is. whether something good ever happens to me, or has happened, it doesn't matter. it doesn't change the way i feel. i am always depressed. and i always have been. and when i sit in my room, crying, and bleeding from 50 new fresh cuts... i tend to think that the depression will never fucking stop
Steve	yeah
IDGAFA	it hurts when no one in the entire world, that's living, understands you. it hurts when you try to be so fucking perfect for everyone and try as hard as you can to make everyone happy, and then you're just miserable. and no one understands... and it feels like no one even cares.
	This was actually a chat with Sarah X when she was 13. We talked for approximately one hour. By the end of the chat she thanked me for listening and said she was going to go walk to the library.

Here is a summary of a story I tell on the parenting page.

Ten year old Anja Lea did not want to wash the dishes. She and her mother were arguing. The mother was threatening her and bribing her. I asked Anja Lea how much she felt understood by her mother about why she did not want to do the washing up. Here is a copy of our dialogue.

"Okay, so Mom wants you to do the dishes and you don't want to. Plus Mom said she isn't going to take you to school until you do them? Is that right so far?"

"Yes."

"Okay, so you are probably feeling forced...?"

"Yes."

"And punished...?"

"Yes."

"And threatened....?"

"Okay. And how much do you feel understood by your mom? From 0-10?"

"Zero!"

I then asked Anja Lea to explain why she didn't want to do the dishes. The more she talked and the more I listened, the more she felt understood. Somewhere along the way, she started washing the dishes without any more arguments or protest! In a few minutes I asked her how much she felt understood by me. She said 8. I asked her what else she wanted me to understand. When she told me, I checked again to see how much she felt understood. This time it was a perfect 10 and the dishes were finished too!

But that is not the end of this story. When she was in the car on the way to school Anja Lea voluntarily apologized to her mother for giving her such a hard time. The mother apologized in return, they both accepted the other's apology and then shared a few tears and a loving hug.

I remember the day I first discovered how emotion coaching might work with my own daughter, Moriah. She was two at the time and we were on a cross-country flight home after visiting with relatives. Bored, tired, and cranky, Moriah asked me for Zebra, her favourite stuffed animal and comfort object. Unfortunately, we had absentmindedly packed the well-worn critter in a suitcase that was checked at the baggage counter.

"I’m sorry, honey, but we can’t get Zebra right now. He’s in the big suitcase in another part of the plane," I explained.

"I want Zebra," she whined pitifully.

"I know, sweetheart. But Zebra isn’t here. He’s in the baggage compartment underneath the plane and Daddy can’t get him until we get off the plane. I’m sorry."

"I want Zebra! I want Zebra!" she moaned again. Then she started to cry, twisting in her safety seat and reaching futilely toward a bag on the floor where she’d seen me go for snacks.

"I know you want Zebra," I said, feeling my blood pressure rise.

"But he’s not in that bag. He’s not here and I can’t do anything about it. Look, why don’t we read about Ernie," I said, fumbling for one of her favourite picture books.

"Not Ernie!" She wailed, angry now. "I want him Zebra. I want him now!’

By now, I was getting "do something" looks from the passengers, from the airline attendants, from my wife, seated across the aisle. I looked at Moriah’s face, red with anger, and imagined how frustrated she must feel. After all, wasn’t I the guy who could whip up a peanut butter sandwich on demand? Make huge purple dinosaurs appear with the flip of a TV switch? Why was I withholding her favourite toy from her? Didn’t I understand how much she wanted it?

I felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I couldn’t get Zebra, but I could offer the next best thing—a father’s comfort.

"You wish you had Zebra now," I said to her.

"Yeah," she said sadly.

"And you’re angry because we can’t get him for you."

"Yeah."

"You wish you had Zebra right now," I repeated, as she stared at me, looking rather curious, almost surprised.

"Yeah," she muttered. "I want him now,"

"You’re tired now, and smelling Zebra and cuddling with him would feel real good. I wish we had Zebra here so you could hold him. Even better, I wish we could get out of these seats and find a big, soft bed full of all your animals and pillows where we could just lie down."

"Yeah," she agreed.

"We can’t get Zebra because he’s in another part of the airplane," I said "That makes you feel frustrated."

"Yeah," she said with a sigh.

"I’m sorry," I said, watching the tension leave from her face. She rested her head against the back of her safety seat. She continued to complain softly a few more times, but she was growing calmer. Within a few minutes, she was asleep.

Although Moriah was just two years old, she clearly knew what she wanted—her Zebra. Once she began to realize that getting it wasn’t possible, she wasn’t interested in my excuses, arguments, or my diversions. My validation, however, was another matter. Finding out that I understood how she felt seemed to make her feel better. For me, it was a memorable testament to the power of empathy.

--------------

Note: I would just change one thing about this story. I would say that John didn't just give his daughter "the next best thing." I would say he gave his daughter something even better -- her father's understanding. S. Hein

I just finished reading what you sent me, wow! You read my mind, now i know what I can do with my son's. All they want is my love and understanding.

When I was trying to leave Cedar City, Utah after a presentation to Southern Utah University in April of 2002, I arrived at the airport a few minutes "too late" according to someone's new rule since September 11th. There was actually plenty of time for me to get on the plane. It was a tiny airport. There was no one in line. I just would have had to check in and walk up the steps to the plane. The airline agents, however, refused to check me in. They said "you have to be here thirty minutes before departure" because "those are the rules." They tried to tell me that they needed more time to check people in because of the tighter security regulations. I started to protest. I knew it would not take them long to do the security check even if they hand-checked my whole backpack because there wasn't even much in it. I knew they had time to do it before they were scheduled to depart. The departure time was something like 29 minutes away.

They got very defensive very quickly. One of them said, "You need to understand..." I said something like, "Actually, I believe what I need is your help to get on the plane. That is how I will get back to St. Louis and that is why I came out here, not to get a lecture on the new airline regulations."

They also tried to tell me that they couldn't let anyone else on because they had already given the pilot the list of passengers. I said, "So is there some kind of regulation saying that you can't radio the pilot, or just walk out there, and tell him there is one more passenger?" The agent of the company responded in a arrogantly, "No, I am just not going to do it."

What I began to suspect is that they didn't think anyone else would be coming out so they decided to turn over the passenger list to the pilot. They may have even done it a few minutes early and that is why they got so defensive. Or they may have done it just as they saw us pulling in the parking lot. It was early in the morning and there were no other flights leaving that little airport near the same time. They might have felt defensive as soon as they saw us pulling up, knowing they had made a wrong assumption that no one else was coming.

We argued`for probably twenty minutes while the plane just sat there before it left with out me. When I came back out for a later flight, I was curious to see how long all these "new security measures would actually take." I didn't see any new security measures. In fact they didn't even look inside my backpack. They just ran it through the x-ray machine while I walked through the metal dector, just the same as airports have been doing for years. It took less than 60 seconds. So I never did understand what they said I "needed" to understand.

What became very clear to me though was that the people there were on a power trip. They were petty authority figures trying to feel powerful by arrogantly, and basically arbitrarily, pushing their weight around on someone less powerful than themselves. I think people like this actually enjoy having rules they can enforce. It gives them justification for being arrogant and insensitive.

Since then I have become very sensitive to the expressions "You need to understand.." or "You have to understand.." When people say this they are usually feeling defensive. They are not trying to understand you. They are not interested in you. They are trying to defend themselves and get you to be quiet and stop bothering them. If you have more patience and restraint than I have, maybe you can let them talk till they have satisfied themselves. Then maybe you can show them that you "understand." Then they will feel understood and you might have a slightly better chance of getting some help from them.

I think of the principle "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." It is sad that many people in power rarely seem to apply this. Such people don't try to understand your situation or feelings. Instead they try to make you "understand", or at least accept without further question, the rules they are imposing on you.

Misc - It is painful when we don't understand. Some of us are in constant pain from things not making sense. Like the sign that says "Open 24 hours and the place closing just when you get there. And the grocery store being open 30 minutes past closing.

Most people will accept simple explanations, even if they are wrong or incomplete because they feel better thinking they understand things. They are happy when someone gives them a simple answer they can understand. Like "because it is a sin" or because it is impolite or because it is our culture or because it is the law or because they are evil.

One day in Peru I told someone I was looking for a hotel with hot water for my shower. He said, "Mejor agua fria" - Cold water is better. Then he proceeded to tell me why he thought cold water was better. I felt understood 0 on a scale of 0 to 10.

Manuel here in Peru has been helping me put some of my ideas into practice. One night Manuel and I stayed at his sister's house. His sister's daughter Claudia didn't want to go to school the next morning. Instead she wanted to stay home and talk to Manuel and I. Manuel lives several hours from Claudia so she doesn't see him often. And Claudia wanted to talk about ways we could help the poor children in Peru. But her mother told her she had to go to school because there were exams.

I felt sad for her and wanted to go to the school during their break time and visit her. Manuel, though, didn't want to go. We argued about it for a while and he was getting more and more frustrated with me because I really wanted to go and he didn't. Then I remembered to ask him how much he felt understood between 0 and 10. He told me 0. Then he asked me how much I understood. I said probably about a 0 also. Obviously, this is why we were arguing. So I asked him to explain again all the reasons why he didn't want to go to the school. As he explained I tried to show him some understanding. I tried to be a good listener. I also took out a notepad and listed his reasons and numbered them.

When he was finished explaining I asked him how much he felt understood again. This time he said 4. Though it wasn't as high as I would like, I explained the basic idea of using the scale and I told him the washing up story. I told him that since he was my close friend I wanted him to feel understood 9 or 10. But that day, I didn't want to spend a lot more time talking since we had a lot of things to do. So I went over each item on my list and we talked about them a little more. By listening to him carefully and then thinking of solutions for each of his concerns we were able to agree on something which we were both pretty satisfied with.

If I had not stopped to ask him how much he felt understood, we could have gotten very frustrated with each other to the point of feeling angry. The 0-10 scale technique helped us stay on friendly terms.

I have felt misunderstood pretty much all of my life. I didn't realize it till the past few years or so, though. I have been trying to get people to understand me. That is one reason I post my journal writing. But then someone like Rob Emmerling comes along and reads my journal entries and hugely misrepresents me.

Then someone like Ocean's father comes along and also misrepresents me, with the help of a lawyer, so now I can't talk to one of the people who I felt most understood by.

Then Jerren comes along and reads my journal writing, meets me in person, talks to me for hours and hours, lives in the same rooms with me, sees how I live, what I do with my time and then he also misrepresents me.

But I realize now that I can't make anyone understand me. And it is more important to understand myself.

Kind of like they say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

I think you might also have to understand yourself to understand others. Maybe understanding others helps. I suppose it is a two way street and neither one really comes first.

Which is kind of like Fromm said "To love yourself you must love everyone." Or something like that. (See my page on love)

As I got to know Laura I would see how she was unable to forgive herself. I also saw how she was unable to see how she was damaged by her mother. Laura simply will not accept the fact that she was abused. She will not say "My mother abused me" or "I was abused by my mother." Until Laura can see this and say it, she won't be able to understand herself.