Emotional Intelligence | Stevehein.com
Human Emotional Needs
Here are some of the basic human emotional needs expressed as feelings. While all humans share these needs, each differs in the strength of the need, just as some of us need more water, more food or more sleep. One person may need more freedom and independence, another may need more security and social connections. One may have a greater curiosity and a greater need for understanding, while another is content to accept whatever is told to him.
One of the major problems I have observed in schools is the treatment of all children as if their emotional and psychological needs were identical. The result is many children's needs are unsatisfied. They then become frustrated, as any of us do when our needs are unmet. They act out their frustration in various ways which are typically seen as "misbehavior." This is especially evident when children are expected to all do the same thing for the same length of time. The better we identify their unique needs and satisfy them, the fewer problems. (See May 2005 note)
In various degrees, each according to his or her own unique nature, we each have a natural emotional need to feel:
| accepted acknowledged admired appreciated approved of believed in capable challenged clear (not confused) competent confident forgiven forgiving |
free fulfilled heard helped helpful important in control included listened to loved needed noticed powerful |
private productive / useful reassured recognized respected safe / secure supported treated fairly trusted understandng understood valued worthy |
See also the page on "Human Givens"
I believe that it is natural for us to seek attention. I believe this is especially true when we are in need. For example, if you were drowning, would you want attention? If your house were on fire, would you want attention?
I also believe it is natural for us to want attention when we believe we have something important to say, for instance if we wanted to warn someone of an impending danger. If you knew that a building were on fire with people inside, would you want others' attention even if you yourself were not in danger?
I had heard parents say "Ignore him. He just wants attention." To me this is similar to saying, "Don't feed him. He is just hungry."
An earlier, longer list
| accepted accepting accomplished acknowledged admired alive amused appreciated appreciative approved of attention capable challenged clear (not confused) competent confident developed educated empowered focused forgiven forgiving |
free fulfilled grown or growing happy heard helped helpful important in control included independent interested knowledgeable listened to loved needed noticed open optimistic privacy productive |
protected proud reassured recognized relaxed respected safe satisfied secure significant successful supported treated fairly understanding understood useful valued worthy |
I originally wrote this section before I started doing work with suicidal teens. Now I see that if the children's emotional needs remain unmet, they are good candidates for serious mental health problems by the time they reach their teen years.
S. Hein
Someone once asked me how I came up with the list of human emotional needs. (I will name drop and tell you that it was Stephane Moriou in Paris who asked me this) I told him that I saw a short list of emotional needs in a book and then I thought about my own emotional needs and then just expanded the list.
I believe the book was Caring and Sharing: Becoming a Peer Facilitator. It is a book I recommend. (Here are my notes from the book)
Here is are a few questions from interesting little test of how well your emotional needs are being met...